God Works in Mysterious Ways

Sometimes, I don’t feel like writing because I want it to be…spectacular. I want it to be just so perfect and inspirational and good. But then it turns out that I’m not writing anything at all because I let this fear – this impossible standard – hold me back. So I’m trying really, really hard to let that go. I’m trying to let go of all the blogging guru advice about SEO and keywords and how to get more traffic because none of that allows me the freedom I need to just write. To just let God do what he will do and use the words he has gifted me with.

I wrote this post a couple years ago and never shared it because it didn’t feel like it would matter enough. But I wrote it. And it matters to me. And I know that God is glorified when I share what he has done.

I hope to show up in my writing more often. I hope and I pray that I will let go of my own anxiety and expectations and just show up. I hope these words inspire you or touch you in some way. But more than all of that, I hope God is glorified.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

God’s work is not always obvious. We know this. Yet we pray that we might see His goodness. We (attempt to) encourage those who are suffering by saying, “God works in mysterious ways.” But part of the mystery of Jesus is that only He really knows His grand plan. Sometimes, we are allowed a glorious glimpse of His design, but we will never know the full picture. We may never know why God allows certain suffering in our life. If this heartbreaking mystery is your reality, I hope you can find some peace here today.

On April 5, 2020, it was my shift to be the caretaker for my older brother Ehren. He was in the terminal stage of a four-year fight with cancer and practically needed round-the-clock care. At the very least, we made sure someone was just…there for him. Even when he didn’t need anything, we never wanted him to be alone.

It’s excruciating to take over the care for someone who, in every unfair sense of the word, should be able to care for themselves. 28-year-olds aren’t supposed to be practically bed-ridden. 28-year-olds should have jobs and full calendars and full lives. 28-year-olds should be able to care for themselves. But not this one.

I started my shift at 7:30am to take over for my mom who had stayed with him most of the night. We didn’t know exactly which day would be his last, so we started taking night shifts as well as being with him nearly every moment of his waking hours. Before Mom hobbled back to bed to get some sleep of her own, we agreed to give my brother trazodone. He was fighting sleep so hard but we knew his body needed as much rest as it could get. In those last few days, it was incredibly difficult to get him to take his meds and usually took two people – one to keep him calm and the other to administer medication.

I have never blamed him for being so agitated and restless. I’m sure at that point he could hardly understand what was happening as his body and his brain slowly faded. And whatever he did understand was probably pretty terrifying. I will always be grateful that I journaled on the day of this shift. I still reread those words over and over again, clinging to the peace I must’ve felt when writing them.

Only God Knows

“He’s settled into bed now, but he’s still taking heavy breaths. Sometimes he holds his breath for a few seconds when he inhales. It’s pretty unnerving but eventually I get used to it.

He knows it’s close. We know it’s close. But nobody knows anything for sure. Only God in His infinite wisdom. Only God with His master plan.

Lord, you are the great designer. You’ve woven every piece of this story, this struggle. You’ve never left our side. We’ve never walked this weary path alone. But Lord, it’s hard to see how this is best. It’s hard to see the good you’re working here. Thank you that we are all together in this. Thank you that we have each other. Thank you for the ultimate price your Son Jesus paid so we can come to you with our sins and struggles and be forgiven and free.

Give me the words to say here. Show me how to love my brother and my family with grace, understanding, kindness, warmth, and humility. Lord guide us through these last few days. Guide him to you. Guide us in love, in faith, and in patience with each other and with your plan. We want his suffering to be over. But we also treasure his time. You know, Lord. You do. Show us each what role we play right now. The unknowns feel overwhelming, but you have it under control.”

Remembering

I don’t really remember feeling like this. The days leading up to his death were a blur, much like the days following it. I do remember sitting and writing because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how to care for someone who wasn’t all there. I think I didn’t know how to care for myself enough either.

God gave us everything we needed at that time. He gave us just enough peace and strength to make it through the day. And sometimes that’s all you get, because really that’s all you need. Looking back on those days, I know that. But I still have crisp memories of the aching exhaustion. The heaviness in our steps and in our hearts.

I hardly know how we made it through.

When I look at this journal page though, I know. I know that Jesus gave us what we needed. I know that the peace that surpasses all understanding washed over our home as we all started to make sense of what had happened. I know that God gave us – and my brother – comfort in those final days.

We just passed three years of being without him. And the grief of that anniversary hit us all a little differently than we expected. I suppose grief often does.

I still don’t quite understand why God chose to take my brother so soon. Why He chose our family to suffer so much. We are not the only ones who have prayed prayers asking God to give us a break for a little while.

I will always be grateful for the moments I paused to reflect, pray, and journal. There are difficult moments from the past few years that I wish I had journaled about so I could look back and see how God was working, because God’s work in us is not always obvious. God works in mysterious ways.

Sometimes it is the quiet comfort that we didn’t know we had until we later look back on it. Sometimes He works by inspiring us to write down a prayer that encourages us months later when we stumble upon it again. Sometimes His work is known only to Him.

God’s work is not always obvious, but it is always good.