Depression – how to talk about it + what to do

Why don’t we talk about depression?

Because it’s uncomfortable. Because nobody wants to talk about sad things. Nobody else feels the way we do.

At least that’s what we think.

That’s what goes through our heads when we consider bringing it up.

But the crazy thing about depression is that there’s no one way to define it. No definition that perfectly suits everyone who feels caught in its grasp. No one list of symptoms that holds true for each unique individual that experiences depression.

Even as an individual who’s experienced depression on and off for the past 8 years, I couldn’t give you a specific description of how it feels every time. But it’s important to try.

It’s important to talk about depression, to face it head on, to show ourselves and others what it can look and feel like so that were all better informed – especially for those that have never experienced it themselves.

This past week, I was reminded of what one form of depression looks like by experiencing one of the most common symptoms – one that often lends itself to people thinking depression “isn’t that bad.” 

Depression doesn’t always show up in 100% of your life.

In February 2020, my husband and I took my brother on his bucket list vacation to Cambridge and London. Not a day went by that wasn’t both fun and exhausting. Someday I’ll write more about it.

We finally landed home on February 23, after nearly 24 hours straight of being awake, and went to bed looking forward to a much-needed (and widely-planned) day of rest.

Monday came and went. It was indeed restful.

Tuesday was not.

I spent nine hours in the hospital with my brother. I spent three hours in the car going from the hospital to home, home to a hospital all the way downtown, that hospital to the airport, and finally from the airport home again. I spent two hours at the airport getting him home safe to California where his needs are being cared for much better than they could’ve been here.

For more about my brother and family see: Going home is heavy but God is still good

Every single day after that for two weeks, I went to work, I came home, and started working on the blog – writing, editing, Pinterest-ing, whatever. Then around 4:30pm every day, Caleb would come home, and it would hit me. 

The feelings. The fatigue.

I would remember how tired I was. I would start falling asleep on the couch before dinner. I thought about all we had been through during our trip and all my family continues to go through and how little I can often do to help them. I felt heavy and weary and empty. Nothing felt or or tasted good. Nothing seemed happy or pleasurable or right.

And every day, Caleb faithfully cared for me and I made it through. Every day, I went back to work. I chatted with friends. I cheerily greeted my students and met with my colleagues. Then I would come home, work on the blog, and at 4:30-5:00pm like clockwork, it would hit me again.

The fatigue. The feelings. I finally admitted to myself that I was depressed, and somehow that helped explain things a little better. The only other person who knew was Caleb, because depression doesn’t show up in 100% of our lives.

Eight plus hours of my day were filled with work and students and colleagues and teaching and planning. So something in my brain pushed off that fatigue (except when I needed a bonus cup of coffee before my toughest class) and those feelings until I was home. Until 4:30pm when I was left with just me. 

Sometimes depression does cloud your whole life. Sometimes it permeates everything you do and everyone around you notices you’ve been “down” lately. You can’t get things done, you call in sick to work, and if that’s where you’re at right now – oh, friend I am so sorry.

All I can tell you is that it will get better.

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33, NIV

¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

1 Corinthians 4:17, NIV

Depression isn’t always obvious. Someone who is depressed might not look or act like you think they should if they were really depressed. That’s why we don’t talk about it.

That’s why sometimes people try to tell us, “It’s not that bad.” If you’ve never experienced depression before or you’ve never been close to someone who has, please don’t tell us that. Unless you’re coming from a place of love, unless you know my life story, unless you’re a mental health professional, please, don’t.

If you’re in the depression boat right now, it’s okay. Even if you just have a toe in the water, it’s okay. It’s okay to admit that we’re struggling. It’s okay to be mopey. Watch TV all night. You’ll recover the sleep later. Take time to learn what works and what doesn’t when you’re down in the dumps.

Ice cream, chocolate, and/or cookies usually work for me. 😉

I didn’t want this post to be full of tips to help you or someone you love overcome depression. I don’t have the answers. At the time of writing this, I’ve got stress and depression and PMS all bundled into a joy-filled (sarcasm) time of trying to deal with myself and my body and my emotions, so I might not be the best person to give advice right now…

Or maybe I am.

I’ve been there and back again. I don’t know your reality right now, but I do know what loss is like. I do know what grief is like. I do know what stress and trauma and fatigue and feelings can all add up to when they weigh heavily on one person. You know what else?

God knows. 

And we are so blessed by that. He knows. He sees our inmost desires (or lack thereof as the case may be). 

To live our best life and give glory to the Gospel (even when we aren’t feeling our best), here are some practical things we can all do.

How I Manage My Depression

Drink enough water. 

It’s one of those pieces of advice we’ve heard a million times but still don’t seem to take to heart. Get a water bottle you love. Mine is pink. It’s slim and round and fits perfectly in my purse. I want to drink more water because I love my water bottle.

I also LOVE sparkling water, so I usually allow myself 1-2 of those a day too. Any little bit helps us all stay healthier – mentally and physically. Whatever helps you stay hydrated – do it!

Wear comfy clothes.

Just…just do it. I wore leggings to work for the first time in my life last week. Nobody cared and I was comfy. Amazingly – I could still complete all my professional duties WHILE I was comfy in my leggings. I also have this white chunky sweater that I bought at H&M in England…wore that too. If you’re comfy in jeans (and allowed to wear them to work), do it. Wear your favorite tee under your button down. Wear comfy clothes so you can start feeling comfy with yourself.

Depression is a chemical imbalance. It comes and goes. We aren’t in charge of it, but we can try to help ourselves out of it. The final item on my list of what to do about your woes is unlikely to be a surprise: pray.

Pray hard.

It’s a little funny sometimes when people say, “Pray hard” because it makes it sound like a sport. Run hard. Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard. But think about the effort you put into those other things. When you work hard, what does it look like? What does it feel like? Let’s add that kind of effort to our prayers, ESPECIALLY when we don’t feel like it.

For me, praying hard when I’m depressed means just starting.

“God, everything feels awful right now. I’m so tired. I don’t want to do anything. All I want to eat is crap. I know you’re good, God. Thank you for loving me no matter what.”

That’s enough if that’s all we can muster. The Holy Spirit intercedes and God knows what we meant.

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27, NIV

God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:18-20). The choice to pray often helps me breathe a little deeper in times of depression. God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. 

So, my friends, if you or someone you love is feeling heavy… fatigued… empty… bored… mindless… tired… pray that they (or you) would breath deep. Pray that the weight wouldn’t be too much. Pray that soon the load will lighten and the light will shine in the dark places.

The light will shine in the darkness. That’s what Jesus came to do.

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 1:1-5, NIV

We live in a heavy world. But when Jesus came he also told us that his burden was easy and his yoke was light. 

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30, NIV

Easy?

Which part of this is easy?

Well, it can be. If today doesn’t feel easy, remember our promise from earlier –

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33, NIV

God was fully aware of what sinfulness had done to the world and what we would experience because of it. 

Take heart, friends. Christ has overcome, and you can too.