Intimacy can be difficult and that’s okay ❤️
This content was originally posted May 24, 2019 and updated Feb 28, 2023.
I meant to post a blog post last night. I had most of it planned out and written. I even made a couple of Instagram posts to that effect. But the reason I didn’t get around to posting it, I think, is that it wasn’t the blog post I needed to write. Like so many things in life, I had a plan. Life got in the way, things kept coming up and I never got around to it. This morning I realized, I’m glad it didn’t work out the way I planned, because Caleb and I had a hard conversation last night and I think it’s important to share (he thinks it‘s okay to share too in case anyone is worried).
The gist of it is this: intimacy can be difficult and that’s okay.
There are so many things wrapped up in the word intimacy. It doesn’t just mean sex. It means talking deeply, it means cuddling, it means cooking and laughing together in the kitchen. Intimacy means being close and being intentional about your closeness.
We have struggled with this in our young marriage. Partly due to the fact that we’re young and don’t know a whole lot and also partly due to some medical issues that make some parts of intimacy more difficult, or even impossible. What follows is a record of what occurred last night (JUST the talking part, don’t worry).
Sometimes, I’m just going to be frank, we schedule our (what we call) “sexy time”. In fact a lot of times we schedule it. We have a history of things not working out that well in that department, so both of us have anxious feelings about our past experiences that unfortunately gets brought into the bedroom. When we set a schedule, and when we call it “sexy time”, we know that our goal is to be intimate, not necessarily to have sex (even though sex would be great).
There’s a lot of emotions that go into this time for us. Caleb is a sweet, caring, thoughtful man… and he feels broken. He feels like he can’t do anything to satisfy me because some of the pieces he was given don’t work quite right. He breaks down and it’s often hard to get him back. Sometimes that takes a 30- or 40-minute conversation where I tell him about the things I treasure. I remind him that God made him exactly the way he is and exactly the way he intended. I try to fill his head with positive thoughts instead of the negative things the enemy tells him. But those negative ideas are SO LOUD and my poor darling has a hard time blocking them out. So, for us, intimacy means working together to fight against ourselves. Intimacy means having honest and deep conversations about our feelings, including and especially the ones we don’t want to share.
For me, it’s been a rocky road too. I hurt so deeply for my husband and the way he feels. I can only do so much. And it hurts when things don’t work out because I’m left feeling unfulfilled. Those are the feelings I don’t want to share. He’s already telling himself that he can’t meet my needs.
–As a side note, if you haven’t figured it out already, this blog post is pretty blunt and forthcoming. We all know what sex is and marriage is the perfect place to talk about all the messy feelings that might come with it. We’re all adults here (hopefully).–
I don’t want to express my feelings because I don’t want to add to the spiral he goes down. But it’s hard. It’s hard when I want to have sex and it doesn’t work out. Physical touch is one of my love languages, and sex is one way that I really feel loved, which is unfortunately tricky in our marriage because part of out medical issues is him not wanting sex as much as I do. So that creates a happy mess of me having a hard time asking for and him struggling to suggest it, because he loves me and he wants me, but he doesn’t necessarily have the urges I do. Then, of course, I have my own moods and spirals. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel beautiful enough. My brokenness is the feeling of not being enough for him to want me. Caleb always knows how to bring me back, and he pursues me even when I’m being especially difficult.
So here we are. A happy mess of the intimacy God designed for marriage. I know there are a lot of other couples that have the physical stuff down but struggle to talk about and share their feelings, so I know how blessed we are that one part of intimacy we can always count on is that we are honest about the mess. We share our deep feelings. We admit our brokenness.
God made marriage. He made all the little pieces that make marriage and all the pieces that make Caleb and all the pieces that make me. I don’t know if I would say God made the brokenness too, but he certainly allowed it as part of his grand plan. He redeemed the brokenness of life and intimacy and everything in between, but we still have to manage the mess.
Intimacy is difficult, and that’s okay. Thankfully, we have some upswings. Things do work out sometimes and it’s a happy cuddly evening. I think right now we’re on a down swing, but that’s okay too. It’s just like we talked about earlier in May. God didn’t make a bad sex life for us. We have to keep working to see the good. We have to keep working as a team to sort out the physical and the feelings.
We’re still working on what a good sex life means and looks like for us (I imagine we will be for awhile) and we’re trusting God every step of the way. During our most difficult moments (even with sex), what we turn to is prayer.
God created sex for a purpose, he created marriage for sex to fulfill its purpose and we are doing our best to live into that. It’s been a long road for us. It’s still going to be a long road for us. But God is walking right alongside us. He knows. He cares. He created intimacy and he wants us to share in it.
If you or someone you know is struggling with intimacy, even though it may sounds silly to include God in your sex life, I would strongly encourage you to pray. Follow with me today if you need it, pray for that friend, or even pray for us. Prayer is powerful and God hears every single one.
“God, we know intimacy can be difficult and that’s okay. We need you to show us that with intimacy, the most important thing is to focus on each other, to focus on the deep, honest, raw feelings and to share them. God we need to remember that intimacy is so much more than a physical activity. Intimacy goes deep into the heart of our marriage. Thank you for making intimacy. Thank you for letting me share in it. Thank you for all the ways you have and are growing my heart and my husband’s heart closer together. Help us with intimacy, Lord. Help us fit all the pieces together. Help us treasure each other physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Thank you for all you’ve done and all you’re doing. Amen.”
Amen.
Amen.
