When you’re in love – how I knew I loved my husband

When you’re in love, everything feels blurry. Everything feels better. And when you’re in love with a man who loves Jesus – *girly sigh* that’s just about the best thing there is. ❤

My husband Caleb is a generous, thoughtful, affectionate, hard-working, handsome man. He is my first everything. He is the best partner I could ever ask for. When we’re ready, he’ll be the best dad I could hope for. We are a team and God has coached us through an awful lot in our young marriage. Before our marriage even began, God taught us how to support and encourage each other as we came closer and closer to love. This is the story of how I knew I loved my husband – a wonderful, blissful time full of firsts.

In early spring 2016, I started feeling a tug on my heart. I’d been dating this quirky, sweet guy for about 3 months – my first boyfriend. I was his first girlfriend too, which made our relationship all the more special. This funny feeling I was feeling – that was pretty special too. But I wasn’t sure I was ready to use “that” word yet. And like anything else in my life, I wanted to be sure.

God and I have been working on this for awhile now. He tells me to wait, and I tell him “But why?” He tells me, “Don’t worry” and I say, “Too late.”

After all, this was the first man I’d ever been in a romantic relationship with. The first man I ever thought I might be…in love with. And the most terrified I’d ever been of rejection. OF COURSE I WAS WORRIED.

I had to be sure.

To narrowly focus my feelings and provide myself a (somewhat silly) sense of security, I devised a couple questions that I thought would certainly solve my dilemma. I scribbled them on a little piece of notebook paper and started answering them whenever something new popped into my head – which was over a period of about a week or so. I added as many things as I could think of so I could be ready if – and when – I decided to spill the beans about my feelings.

1. What do I know about him that makes me think I love him?

If I was going to take this leap of faith – this leap of love – I needed it to be about who he was as a person. I knew I loved him, but I needed to know why. I needed to know that this love could last a lifetime based on the man he already was and how he felt and acted toward me.

Caleb and I agreed early on that once we knew marriage wasn’t God’s plan for us, we would part ways. That was NOT the outcome I wanted yet, so I carefully chose what I wrote as I processed these feelings, hoping for long-term love.

2. What do I know about me that makes me think I love him?

I knew I loved him, but I also needed to know he loved me. I needed to be as sure as I could before utter those words I could never take back – I also wanted to convince myself that I really loved him. When you’re in love, or even think you might be, all sorts of wires start to get crossed in your brain. The goal was to uncross them so I could confidently say what I thought I needed to say.

Good news: It worked.

I’ve kept that paper all these years. It’s all messily written in tiny, scribbly font just in case someone in my classes looked over and saw my notes.

I didn’t want anyone to know about this.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know about it, which is why I had to write the words down to stop them from scrambling up my thoughts. If I’m honest, I knew I loved him but I wasn’t ready to admit it yet. Not to myself and certainly not to him.

Love is kind of a big deal. I wanted nothing more than to continue my relationship with Caleb in the hopes of pursuing marriage, but I was so scared of the vulnerability and humility I knew it would require. So I really needed to sort myself out.

I wrote on that little piece of paper anytime I thought of something new to add to the security and validity of my feelings. I wrote about specific times together, specific attributes that led to my love for him, specific instances that led me to believe in his love for me.

Anyone that knows me knows I continue to struggle with this desperate need for validity, for assurance, for tangible plans and proof.

I have a hard time letting go of the desire to feel in control, to feel secure, to feel like everything will be sorted out just right.

You might also like: Giving God control when life is unpredictable

I am SO infinitely glad that God sorts everything out instead of me. That it is HIS purpose that prevails instead of the many, many plans I have in my heart.

Caleb was not originally the man I had envisioned myself marrying. When we first met, I thought he was a nice guy, but a little too nerdy for me.

Well, here we are years later happily married and let me tell you, friends – he’s still a little too nerdy for me sometimes.

So how did I know I loved him?

First of all, a LOT of prayer. A looooooot of prayer. Second, writing my thoughts and feelings really did help me to sort myself out. Third, I looked at how he acted around me and around others. I saw and heard the way he spoke with his family. I went to church with him and saw his honest pursuit of Jesus. He let me in, even though he was scared. I felt so broken and so messy, but he wanted to be close to me. He chose to invest in my interests and took time to study me.

20-year-old me’s love-scrambled brain knew that Caleb was not a man I should let go.

But I also had to make sure it wasn’t just that he was a fabulous human being (because really I was convincing myself that he loved me). I equally needed assurance that I loved him.

I wrote for days in my journals, prayed for hours, and talked my mom’s ear off about this man. Mid-March 2016, I finally made my decision.

“I love you”

March 17, 2016 was a Thursday. It was a “special” Thursday because I “didn’t have night class” so we were going out to dinner. Caleb knew something was up since I wasn’t usually so excited to go out for dinner, but he didn’t know exactly what.

After a classy meal at Olive Garden (what? I had a gift card. We loved to eat there!) and shakes from a local drive-in, we drove to Cliff Drive in Spokane, where you can get a spectacular view of the city. We chatted normally for a few minutes, then he mentioned that it was getting cold, so we could leave whenever I was ready. I saw my chance and I took it.

“Speaking of being ready, I am. I love you.”

– Me

Oh friends my heart is pounding just thinking about my nerves that night! But God reward my courage and calmed my fears just a few seconds later.

“Well that’s good because I love you too.”

– Caleb

😍

I’m so, so happy with the conclusion. I’m so, so in love with our love story. I can never thank Jesus enough for both His and Caleb’s incredible love.

With lots and lots of love,

Susannah 💕

P.S. Check out our Amazon picks! Caleb and I collaborated for this fabulous list of resources that have each made an impact in our marriage.