How to Sacrifice in Marriage – Love Like Jesus

How to Sacrifice in Marriage – Live Like Jesus Did

I’ve heard my whole life that marriage = sacrifice, so I kept that in mind as I committed to forever. I’m now finding that learning how to sacrifice in marriage is a life-long lesson. Jesus gave us a beautiful, vulnerable example of sacrifice by giving His life in exchange for our debts. Though we may never be asked to literally lay down our life in place of our spouses, sacrifice in marriage is an uncomfortable reality. 

I certainly got a dose of discomfort in 2017, the August weekend my very new husband took on the challenge of biking 186 miles from Seattle, WA to Vancouver, BC. I should have prepared myself for a shift in our normal schedule, our normal interactions, and our normal way of living together. We were only married about a month at this point, but we’d already settled into a routine that I rather liked. Having our happy new routine disrupted was inconvenient and uncomfortable, partly because I didn’t prepare my heart.

I was excited for Caleb and his family, and glad to be joining their family bike trip (especially since I didn’t have to do any biking!), but I didn’t give that weekend to God (mistake #1!).

He would use this time to strengthen me and I was caught completely unaware.

In case you’ve never biked 200 miles in only 2 days, let me tell you, those are some loooong days. I, however, have also never biked 200 miles in 2 days, but after biking in France this summer I can (sort of) imagine it. (Thankfully I’ve never been on the biking end of the RSVP, but I may not be so safe next year.) On the second day of this long bike ride, my husband and his family rode off into the sunrise bright and early, and I drove (keyword – drove) the support vehicle to the first stop. I parked the car right in front of our rendezvous spot, pulled out my journal, and parked myself on a sweet little bench. 

See also: Be Still and Wait

The cooler weather was perfect for biking, but a little chilly for sitting outside. I was awfully glad I brought an extra jacket (and extra awfully glad I was driving the car that contained that jacket). My bikers arrived shortly after I settled in, so I only had time for a short devotion.

I wasn’t too sad about this though because after hearing over and over about the famous breakfast at a restaurant in the Dutch-themed town of Lynden, WA, I was glad to be able to finally enjoy it! We got the biker buffet special and had time for a meal and a quick cup of coffee before my husband and his family were off again. This time they would bike across the Canadian border to a small elementary school, where I would wait with anticipation to see their faces once again.

Unfortunately, in a less-than-glamorous moment of honesty here, I became upset as Caleb left Lynden.

I wanted more time with him. To talk with him, to sit with him, to hold him and tell him he was doing an amazing job.

His mind was focused on finishing the task at hand (and rightfully so). He still had about 50 miles of biking to do that day, so our conversation and connection were minimal. I left Lynden confused and upset, and as is always a good step in these situations, I prayed. I prayed and cried out and asked God to change the attitude of my heart. Sacrificing my normal life with Caleb felt unfair.

I wasn’t expecting to sacrifice in marriage to come so soon and I didn’t like it. I drove along the open road and as the cornfields flashed past my window, God did exactly what I asked.

Attitude Change

I was thankful that God allowed my little emotional episode to resolve itself before reaching the authorities at the Canadian border. The crossing went smoothly and God even offered me a little humor in the border crossing agent. She asked what I did while I waited for the bikers to get to each stop, since obviously I was a bit quicker in a car. I wait and I watch. I turn to Jesus. But she didn’t need to know all that, so I gave her the short answer: “Read,” I said, “Write in my journal, just you know, wait for them to get there.” So she moved me along and I went back to Jesus. I got to the elementary school, whipped out my journal and continued processing what God was doing in my heart.

At this stop, I realized (with some shame) that up to this point I acted selfishly on this journey. When I met Caleb at each stop, I wanted him to talk to me, to interact with me, to be visibly excited to see me. He felt those things, even if he didn’t show it. But he was also exhausted.

I mean, who could blame him? He had been biking for hours and hours. Of course, he wasn’t 100% attentive to his needy wife.

So I shifted my perspective. I shifted my attitude, realizing how little this sacrifice was compared to how much I loved my husband. I took on a posture of humility and sought from then on to meet my husband’s needs however he needed them met. When he reached the stop I told him what was going on, and we were glued to each other’s side until he needed to get back on his bike. And that was when I learned.

Sacrifices seem smaller when we compare them to the depth of our love for each other.

This wasn’t just a time for me to support my husband by bringing food and supplies along for him and his family, it was a time for me to support my husband by giving up what I wanted for what he needed. To be okay with giving him a massage after an exhausting day and expecting nothing in return. Going to bed early instead of talking or cuddling like we normally do. Letting him rest on my chest in peaceful silence instead of chatting about our thoughts or feelings. I was happy to do those things, but I was also sacrificing some of my “normal”. I was sacrificing some of the things that make me feel loved. And yet I could do that gratefully and happily. I could make this small sacrifice in marriage for a time. In part because of the way my husband constantly loves and appreciates me.

See also: Intimacy can be Difficult, and That’s Okay

That weekend he thanked me numerous times. He told me he loved me frequently and did his absolute best to let me know I meant the world to him. That’s what made it worthwhile to keep supporting him however he needed. To be loved and appreciated is a sweet, sweet thing. And the comfort and security it provides makes the uncomfortable things more bearable. In light of this, I am struck again by the incredible weight Jesus’ sacrifice. We often do not thank Him for the incredible thing He has done. Yet He loves us.

Sacrificing our own comfort to meet the needs of another is always rewarding.

God loved us enough to sacrifice His only Son. Jesus loved us enough to sacrifice Himself. The triune God looked at ungrateful, dirty, sinful human beings and loved them with a deep, self-sacrificing love. And we love because He first loved us. So I need to show and to share that same, deep love. What better way to do that than to love my husband? To sacrifice my normal so he can be comforted? To put myself aside and hold him up? 

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13, NIV

I think laying down our life – sacrificing for our spouse, our friends, our family – can mean so many things in our modern day. Giving up free time to go grocery shopping even though it’s normally your spouse’s responsibility. Switching the laundry so your spouse can go to bed earlier. Prioritizing someone else’ desires by forgoing your own. Jesus laid down His life for us. Surely we can sacrifice some comfort in our marriage to love and live and lead by His example.

When we sacrifice in marriage, we embody Jesus’s sacrifice – the perfect example of love.

I am grateful for this discomfort. I am grateful for the chance to have shown my husband love by learning to sacrifice in marriage. Clearly, God determined this lesson I needed to learn, and I’m sure I will need to learn it again and again.

And now I’d like to hear from you…

What lessons has God taught you about sacrifice? What have you learned from His ultimate sacrifice? Are you living into this grace by loving others deeply, even if it means setting yourself aside? Discuss it with me in the comments below, or start a journal and discuss it with Jesus!

P.S. Check out our Amazon picks! Caleb and I collaborated for this fabulous list of resources that have each made an impact in our marriage.